Sari-Saring Jokes 4

AMO: inday, paalisin mo nga yung pulubi sa labas ng bahay.

(nilabas ni Inday)

INDAY: off you go! Under no circumstance this house would relent to such

unabashed display of vagrant destitution!

PULUBI: oh! I’m so ashamed! Such a mansion of social climbing freaks!

(nakakuha na ng katapat si Inday!)

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BOB: nakakamagkano ka sa 1 araw?

PULUBI: nag-uumpisa kasi ako ng 8am. Ngayon 9am na. naka 80 na ko.

BOB: hindi din masama noh? Ano mabibili mo niyan?

PULUBI: pwede na tong isang espresso macchiato sa starbucks!

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DOC: umubo ka!

PEDRO: ho! Ho! Ho!

DOC: ubo pa!

PEDRO: ho! Ho! Ho!

DOC: okay.

PEDRO: ano po ba sakit ko doc?

DOC: may ubo ka.

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in a miss gay pageant:

HOST: how can we uplift our economy today even though we are under economic crisis?

BAKLA: (namutla) mga bakla! Akala ko ba miss gay ito? Quizbee pala!

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MEKANIKO: sir, hindi ko po naayos preno ng kotse niyo.

CUSTOMER: ha?! Pano yan?

MEKANIKO: nilakasan ko na lang po ang inyong busina!


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Sari-Saring Jokes 3

Pulubi: Palimos po ng cake.

Ale: Aba , sosyal ka ah! Namalimos ka lang, gusto mo pang cake.. eto pandesal!

Pulubi: Duh! Ate?! Bday ko kaya today?!?

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BOY: Wala akong kwentang anak para sa inyo! Lahat ng ginagawa ko puro mali ! Lagi nalang ako mali !!! Di ‘nyo na ako mahal!

AMA: Nagkakamali ka anak!

BOY: See! Mali na naman ako!!!

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Nanay: Ang lakas mo kumain pero di ka mautusan. Ang kapal mo!

Anak: Kapag yung baboy natin malakas kumain, natutuwa ka. Sino ba talaga ang anak mo, ako o ung baboy? Umayos ka nay! Wag ganun!

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BF : May ibibigay akong gift sa iyo, pero hulaan mo muna!

GF: Sige, clue naman…

BF: Kailangan ito ng leeg mo.

GF: Kwintas?

BF: Hindi… PANGHILOD!

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(Sa loob ng Mall)

GUY: LOVE, yan ang dati kong girlfriend.

Jowa: Ang pangit pangit naman!

GUY: Wala akong magagawa, yan talaga ang weakness ko ever since…

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JUDGE: Ano ba talaga nangyari?

ERAP: ? (di nagsasalita)

JUDGE: Sumagot ka sa tanong.

ERAP: Naman eh!!! Kala ko ba hearing lang to??? Bakit may speaking?

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inspiring quote of the day:

“hindi ako tamad. Hindi ko lang alam kung saan ko ibubuhos kasipagan ko.”

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TEACHER: okay class our lesson for today is science. What is science?

PEDRO: ako ma’am! Ako ma’am!

TEACHER: okay Pedro, what is science?

PEDRO: science is our lesson for today.

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Sari-Saring Jokes 2

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Sa kasalan

PARI: sana ang donation mo ay katumbas ng ganda ng pakakasalan mo.

GROOM: eto P5, father.

Tinignan ng pari ang bride.

PARI: eto P4 sukli mo iho.

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Sinoli ni Erap ang libro sa library.

ERAP: sobrang dami ng characters wala naman storya.

LIBRARIAN: kayo pala kumuha ng telephone directory namin!

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SA OSPITAL…..

WIFE: hon, nahirapan ako huminga.

HUSBAND: kung nahirapan ka ng huminga, itigil mo na.

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GF: magaling! At sino tong baby na nagtext sayo?

BF: ah eh kumpare ko yun! Lalake yun! Baby lang palayaw.

GF: oh eto replyan mo. Hindi daw kayo tuloy at may mens daw ang tarantado!

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nagbubungkal ng lupa si Erap para magtanim. Akala ng nakakita niloloko lang

siya dahil wala naman siyang tinatanim.

BANTAY: sir, wala naman kayong tinatanim ah.

ERAP: bobo! Seedless to!

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ANAK: nay, ano po ba yung 10 commandments?

NANAY: yun yung sampung utos ng Diyos.

ANAK: mas makapangyarihan pa po pala kayo sa Diyos eh!

NANAY: bakit?

ANAK: ang dami niyong utos eh!

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Thought to ponder:

Hindi kaya ang dahilan ng pagbaha sa panahon ni Noah ay pinutol niya lahat

ng puno para gumawa ng napaka laking arko? ano sa tingin mo?

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Si Erap nakabasag ng vase sa Museum, yung attendant nataranta.

ATTENDANT: naku sir, more than 500 years old na po yang vase.

ERAP: hay salamat. Akala ko bago.

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Sari-Saring Jokes 1

Divorced father: anak pag-uwi mo bigay mo sa nanay mo itong cheke at sabihin mo 18 yrs old ka na, huling cheke na makukuha niya for child support tapos tignan mo kung ano ang expression ng face niya.

Anak: mom, sabi ni dad bigay ko daw sayo itong cheke, last support na niya ito sakin kasi 18 na ako. Pagkatapos tignan ko daw expression ng face mo.

Mom: sa susunod na pagbisita mo sa kanya paki sabi salamat sa suporta kahit di mo siya tatay! Pagkatapos tignan mo expression ng face niya!

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BOY: dad, tulong naman sa assignment ko. Find the least common denominator daw.

DAD: ha? aba’y elementary pa lang ako eh hinahanap na nila yan ah! Aba’y di pa ba nila nakikita?

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BOY1: nakakakawa naman lola mo.

BOY2: bakit?

BOY1: nakasabay ko kasi magsimba nung isang araw, ubo ng ubo.

Pinagtitinginan nga ng tao.

BOY2: papansin lang yun!

BOY1: bakit?

BOY2: bago kasi blouse niya!

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A boss confused about his Math asked his secretary:

If I give you P3M less 17%, how much would you take off?

SECRETARY: everything sir! Dress, bra, panty!

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TEACHER: mga bata, alam niyo ba na ang bawat butil ng palay ay galing sa

dugo’t pawis ng mga magsasaka?

MGA BATA: eeewwww!

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STUDENT: ma’am, pagagalitan niyo po ba ako sa bagay na hindi ko naman

ginawa?

TEACHER: natural hindi.

STUDENT: good, di ko po ginawa assignment ko!

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PARI: halika sa sulok

MADRE: bakit po?

PARI: sara mo pinto.

MADRE: wag po!

PARI: patayin mo ilaw!

MADRE: diyos ko po!

PARI: tamo rosary ko. Glow in the dark!

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Pinoy Contractor

Three contractors are bidding to fix the White House fence. One from the Philippines, another from Mexico and an American. They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The American contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. ‘Well,’ he says. ‘I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.’

The Mexican contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, ‘I can do $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.

‘The Filipino contractor doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers: ‘$2,700.’

The official, incredulous, says, ‘What? You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure? How do you expect me to consider your service with that bid?

‘Easy,’ the Pinoy explains, ‘$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me and we hire the guy from Mexico ‘.

The next day, the Pinoy and the Mexican are working on the fence.

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Wrong Number Tragedy

“Hello?”
“Hi honey.
This is Daddy.
Is Mommy near the phone?”

“No Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.”

After a brief pause,

Daddy says, “But honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul.”

“Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.”

Brief Pause.

“Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on
the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and

shout to Mommy that Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.”
“Okay Daddy, just a minute.”

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

“I did it Daddy.”

“And what happened honey?”

“Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and
ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the
dresser and now she isn’t moving at all!” “Oh my God!!!

What about your Uncle Paul?”

“He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and
he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool.
But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water last

week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he’s dead.”

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***
***Even Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says, “Swimming pool?

Is this
486-5731?”

No, this is 486-5713…..

Sorry wrong number

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You needed me

I cried a tear
You whipped it dry
I was confused
You cleared my mind

I sold my soul
You bought it back for me
And helped me up
And gave me dignity
Somehow you needed me

I cried a tear
You whipped it dry
I was confused
You cleared my mind

I sold my soul
You bought it back for me
And helped me up
And gave me dignity
Somehow you needed me

(Chorus):
You gave me strength
To stand alone again
To face the world
Out on my own again
You put me high
Upon a pedestal
So high that I could almost see eternity
You needed me
You needed me

And I can't believe it's you
I can't believe it's true
I needed you
And you were there
And I'll never live what should I feel
I need a fool
And I finally found someone who really care
You needed me

You held my hand
When it was cold
When I was lost
You took me home
You gave me love
When I was empty, and
And turned my light
Back into truth again
You even called me friend

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